God’s Waiting Room

I was born in Augusta, Ga, certainly not a unique entry point for my involuntary thrust into existence. Although I have no recollection of my pre-corporeal configuration, I like to imagine myself reading a blank newspaper in God’s waiting room. While attentively listening to His loudspeaker, I eagerly anticipate the calling of my lottery ticket. “Number 4,353,927,592,727”. I drop my imaginary newspaper and rejoice in my selection. My time has finally come. A collective sigh is let out by the multitudes of “souls” whose tickets have yet to be validated. Unfortunately this mysterious  transfiguration does not come with a manual. I had no teleological conference with God, no adjustment period, nor any move out inspection. In fact I do not even re-call purchasing the lottery ticket. I am simply thrown into existence at a seemingly arbitrary location in the Southeast of United States. “Looking back”,  it seems clear to me that this memory is no doubt an illusion.  Admittedly, I didn’t even possess the neurological faculties to construct memory at this nascent stage of my existence.
So what am I, now a young man, to make of this vague confusion. A few simple questions undoubtedly arise. Why then? Why there? And most importantly why me? Of course trying to ascribe any anthropomorphic emotions and ideas, (i.e. purpose, doubt or confusion) to this period of life is futile, especially concerning the nature of  pre-existence. However because of the causality we enjoy and utilize so much in the human condition, I find myself nonetheless positing questions about this pre-natal experience. Does what happened to me before I am aware of my own existence have any effect on my life? The answer is seemingly obvious in that it must matter. For example, what if I were to develop an illness or defect during my birth? In fact what if I simply didn’t “make it”? However did such death really happen to ME? Or perhaps my death only existed in the consciousness of others?

Now brought into question is the point in my life when I actually became aware of my own existence. We can all agree that the memory of infancy is clouded at best, and as I stated before, we simply were not developed enough to enjoy such existential luxuries. However, lets say for sake of argument that I was born with a disease or ailment which allowed me to live approximately 2 days after my birth. Consequently, I am born and two days later I die. To my parents and the doctors (and anyone else for that matter who comes into knowledge of my brief history) I certainly existed. Unfortunately I was never aware of my existence. As I stated before, I was just simply not physiologically developed enough to be conscious of such an existence. So how does one ascertain their existence if they are not even conscious of their being? Sadly my own lack of cognizance cancels out my interpretation of existence. How would I have known that I ever existed? In fact can one even exist without being aware of their existence? Even more perplexing is what becomes of me? Now this situation is severely distinguishable from dying after the acknowledgement of one’s existence. That conversation is reserved for a later time. But if I never even had the faculties to become aware of my being, than what was my design for? Do I simply return to God’s waiting room, perhaps greeted by a “better luck next time” or some cosmic pat on the back? One could argue that I would simply cease to exist, and this is certainly true from the standpoint of the outside world. However looking at this from my perspective it would be largely paradoxical to suppose my lack of existence due to the fact that I was never even aware I existed.

If my argument seems largely vague it is because, in essence, I have no argument. I simply (as we all do) possess undeniable questions regarding the nature of my development. For it follows that this stage of my life certainly had an unique implications on my present configuration. Did my lottery ticket also include a number that mathematically described my chances of completing this pre-cognizant epoch?  Infants die everyday, not to mention the unlucky one’s who even get denied a second of existence. (On an unrelated point let me briefly clarify that while I do not morally agree with the practice of abortion, I feel that I  have no right whatsoever to tell someone what they may or may not do with their own bodies.) Since these potential entities were denied their opportunity for free will, and since one can only be held responsible for things they do on their own free will, one must ask how God could possibly justify his decision to even let them out of the “waiting room”. No matter which angle you choose to view, there seems to be at least some level of deception on behalf of God. We are born, totally helpless and in fact up to a certain point in our development he doesn’t even allow us to be aware of being totally helpless.

Regressing to my stated lack of an argument, I recall a popular experiment conducted by developmental psychologists. The purpose of the study was to ascertain information about when children actually become aware of themselves and what actually produces this divine realization. The researchers would place the young subjects (around the age of 2) in front of mirrors and record their reactions. The prevailing idea was that based upon the child’s reaction, one could discern whether or not they child could actually distinguish between the image in the mirror (as simply another external construction) and their own specular image (i.e. their own manifestation to themselves and the outside world). Some children would laugh, smile or even try to hide, while others would simply seem to interpret  the image as just another three dimensional stimulus. This struck me as profound in it’s implications. Could it be that true life actually begins when we become aware of our own consciousness. Of course we know that life begins while are mental faculties are still developing. What I mean to say is that could it be that our “soul” or realization of life actually begins when consciousness first “turns on”. (One could also debate whether it was ever off). Equally interesting, is the status of the children who have not yet become aware of themselves. Do they only exist to outside observers? It seems that if no one is observing them, then nothing is actually happening to them. Now this is not analogous to the existential conundrum like the one regarding the tree falling in the woods. No. It seems more logical that as a young child you inherit some intrinsic cognition in which you understand that there is no point in “doing” anything unless the action is observed by others. Consider the infant crying incessantly, on the surface we could conclude that the child is merely crying for attention. However upon closer inspection could it be just as logical that the child is in reality pleading for it’s own existence?

The only reason I mention this experiment is because it raises questions regarding not only when we actually begin to exist (at least in our own mind), but also whether or not our existence depends upon the observation of the material world. How does one come to learn that the image in the mirror is “me”? Moreover when does one cease to associate the image with just another spatial representation or as just being “out there”. Perhaps most interesting, when do we learn that the image is merely a reflection and not another person looking back at us with strikingly similar confusion?
I have often ruminated on being born into a formless non-material, and empty world. What would this world be like? It would be tantamount to imagining nothing, which of course all of us at one time or another have contemplated. Now in this isolated vacuum I and I only exist. I have no sense of others or even a sense of what it means to sense something. I have no body, no organs and no way to perceive my lack of an outside world. Yet I am still endowed with consciousness. How can this be? If I have nothing to perceive other than myself what could I possibly perceive about myself? When we examine ourselves we find that we almost always think of ourselves in conjunction with extensions of the outside world. For example any emotion we can take into account is always pre-supposed by some external connection to our perceived world. For example, what is confusion without something to be confused about? What is anger or doubt without considering the external causes of such feelings. So it seems at least partially satisfying to say that the consciousness and the external cannot be mutually exclusive. As Heidegger says “consciousness is consciousness of something”. Alternatively, we cannot be conscious if we have nothing to be conscious about, and we cannot be aware if there is nothing to be aware of.
All of this now leads us to the obvious question. Is consciousness dependant on existence? Or conversely does existence pre-suppose consciousness. When writing this I realize that I myself am so quick to answer that existence must come before consciousness for apparent logical reasons. But the paradox just doesn’t seem to go away. Can existence simply behave as a stand-alone application? Does the universe know it’s the universe? How can I exist if I or something external of myself doesn’t acknowledge my existence? However these seemingly blatant paradoxes are categorically false for two reasons. One being that, because consciousness identifies existence, there can be no consciousness without it having something to perceive. We cannot “identify”  things without first acknowledging their existence. Secondly, since consciousness identifies existence, consciousness itself has to exist to even be able to identify anything. This is similar to Descartes arguments regarding the cogito (i.e. “I think therefore I am”, as it is often misinterpreted) Logically speaking an entity cannot exist and simultaneously operate at the same time. Comparatively, a verb cannot stand on it’s own without identifying to some noun. In other words the noun has to exist in order for the verb to “do” anything.
So  now I have at least sadly come to the conclusion that reality is absolute and that we (no matter how much we may or may not want to) do not construct our own reality. I alluded to the tree falling in the woods argument earlier. This is the classical proposition asking: When a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound? In my opinion of course the tree makes a sound (assuming that the tree existed), because when it falls it is governed by immutable laws of nature which we know will force it to produce vibrations through the air. Some may argue through semantics that a sound is only produced whenever a conscious observer actually hears it. However this is a largely pedantic argument in that classical physics doesn’t care if there is an observer or not. The tree will always make a sound(the same could not be said if the tree were in the quantum realm). I bring this argument up only to illustrate the notion of the universe existing without us.
Finally, as I imbibe the remaining remnants of my self-delusion, I realize that I know nothing. This realization would be a distinct intellectual zenith if not dismantled by it’s own definition. True intelligence exists only in the realization that our senses fail us everyday and that we no matter how much we aspire to overcome them, we will always remain at least partially enslaved, by which I mean totally enslaved. In fact the “waiting room” which I initially described may turn out to be what I call my life. Perhaps, this is the memory and my number will only be called upon my death. Consequently life will truly begin when I “opt out” of my current existential contract. We have to believe in free will, for we have no other choice. Now allow me to disassemble any coherence which I may have stumbled upon by stating the obvious. I know nothing.